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Emotions

Its been a while

I heavnt really bothered writing on here in a while, i just havnt really been writing in general. So much going on i really dont know how to feel about it. Divorce, forclosure, moving and the list goes on. I thought i had someone to care and love me through it but that turned out to be a bust. Though for all the hurt i feel and the wanting to hate him my heart would never allow it. My lifes been off and more off as the days go by. When i get home i will be alone, with only my htoughts to sit with me. I have a lot resting on me and i dont know exactly how to handle it all. once im home i have to pack, i have to do cleaning i have to prepare. While my moms off working or doing things to hopefully make ourlives better. I just feel i cant handle it. I feel so lost, i dont have anyone to anchor me here anymore. i dont have anyone to love or feel will stay beside me anymore. Why should i try and trust another person when i know they will leave in the end. Life has nor been very well to me the past few years. My parents were arguing more and more, 2 of my best friends died, for stupid reasons, and the only person i had was my boyfriend, but he left to. It hurts to think you wasted so much time building something for it to end. My heart aches for the loss of something i knew never was or could be, yes the comfort of knowing someone was there was all i wanted. Now i dont even have that. I hurt inside and out, i just wish ih ad the clearity to not feel so lost and move forward with it all.

Think

carry me away upon the wings of angels. hold me together with your arms so gentle.  nothing more are dreams made of then to have you here with me. i lay so silently my head hidden beneath the darkness i see.  we think  so openly yet within our minds we stay dark. light so close to our reach when things go so far down, but yet we hold our selves in that darkness withinout minds. we ourselves are the only one to blame, maybe those we call crazy are the only ones who truly see the truth within our lives and our world. think like the others dont see how we should look beyond your life into some one else’s think about things happening  think not if but when. listen to your heart race over something happy think about your mind racing to figure something out. think of the simplicities of life.

To Walk this Dirt Covered Road

A small girl, only the age of ten, walks along the dirt covered streets of her home town. Buildings, not so big in size, seem to tower over her small, frail body. She looked over the streets, left then right, her feet dragging on the dirt road, as she searched for food, shelter, and hope. She searched for anything that could get her by another day.

She came around a barren corner, only to find an elderly woman sitting on the ground. The woman’s eyes, unseen by the girl, were shrouded beneath a tattered old sun hat. She approached her tentatively; when she finally reached the woman she came to a startled realization. The woman had died here, her body cold and unmoving. The girl lifted the hat, only to see her grandmother’s open eyes staring back at her. Tears, hot and wet, streaked down her mud-stained face, she closed her grandmother’s eyes and said a small prayer of remembrance. She walked away, the ragged and worn hat upon her head.

She looked up to see the darkening sky, and then the so often tinge of pain filled her body. It had been three days since she had had a decent meal. She knocked on door after door, asking for shelter from the night. “Please” she heard her voice say, but for some reason it no longer felt like hers, it was as if she were looking in on her life instead of living it. Many responses she received, most unkind, vulgar and rude; though she understood the world in which she lives, inviting a stranger in was inviting death in as well.

“Please” she cried out loud, her voice filling the night air. She heard the distant rumble of cars as they drove up her dirt covered streets.  Her face turned up to see the lights of white men’s cars. “Run, run, run, run!” her mind told her over, and over, unfortunately her body could not oblige; weak and fatigued she could only stand there waiting. Her body, dirty and cold finally gave out. She fell to the ground with a small thud, there was nothing left of her body, only skin and bones.

The white men rushed over to the fallen girl, the horrified looks on there faces were clear as they lifted the weightless body into the car.  She was taken to a house, nothing she had ever dreamed of seeing, as she lay upon a bed of clouds.   Prodding, pinching, and stinging filled her body as men came in and out of the room. They watched her as her hands glided over the soft cotton; they looked upon her in amazement as if she had actually done something. “Dead! She should be dead!,” she heard one man say, in a hushed but deep voice.  Dead? She wondered the word seeming to wrap around her. “How are you feeling?” a gentle voice asked. “Feel?,” she questioned her voice soft and weak. She was not used to being asked how she felt. “I feel horrid,” she finally said after thinking it over.

Weak, she felt weak as her hand lay still beside her, but for once the pain, which usually filled her body, was not there. She smiled at the thought that she could get better here, and maybe have a life.

Many more weeks passed before she moved from her bed. Small steps at a time, her body relearned how to walk and move once more. “Your family,” she heard the same gentle voice say. “Where are they?,” he asked her. Her bright blue eyes turned to look at him, her eyes filled with a saddened look. “Family,” she said softly as if tumbling the word through her small lips. “No such thing,” she whispered.

Her mind turned back to her dead grandmother that she had seen in the dust ally. Her hands went to her head to feel the hat. When she felt only her hair she looked at the man. “My hat, my hat!” she said frantically. The man laughed, a below of a laugh, much bigger than the man himself. He pulled the tattered old hat of a dresser and handed it to her. She put it atop her head and looked back at him. “Why no family?,” he asked, curiosity inching into his so business-like tone. “You live in such a glamorous house, with so many great things” she started as her hands grazed the cotton sheets once more. “You either learn to live, or you don’t live long” she said softly, the sun hat covering her eyes. The man’s face seemed contorted, though she could not figure out if it was disgust or anger he was feeling. She closed her eyes holding back the tears; this had been her philosophy on life for many years, it seemed. “You will rest now” he said bluntly and left the room. Once more she was alone in her mind, with her thoughts and with her troubles.

She spent days sleeping, others eating, as her body slowly regained the strength it needed to do simple tasks within her life. She had lived here now over a year and a half, though her mind stilled wandered back to the dusty, dirt covered roads that were her original home. The man became her mentor, her friend, companion, and family as the time passed.

She sat down before him at the small table in the den as he pulled out small books and writing pens. He taught her to read, write and to do math. Today her assignment was to write how she felt. And so she began to write. She wrote for an hour straight as the words rolled out of her head onto the clean white paper. She finished and looked up at him. He took the paper and began to read. “Why do you want to go back?” he asked the young girl that sat beside him.

She stood and turned to face him, she looked straight into his eyes. Her crystal blue eyes betrayed her simple face with looks of anger and sorrow. “You saved me; for that I am very grateful. Though did you ever stop and think about others there, too. I knew many friends, I watched many die as I would have that night. They all haunt my dreams. You, sir, do not understand.”  She whispered this last part as she waited for a response. “I will help” he said finally.

She looked back at him, a huge smile played on her lips and in her eyes. “I want to teach them, bring them food, everything we can do to help, not just one but many.” She said happily. She took out a clean piece of paper as they started listing the necessities of what they would need. The final list was 5 pages long, filled with medicines, books, school supply and food. She smiled again looking up at him and he smiled back, a plain simple smile but it made her even happier.

They drove down the small dusty dirt roads into the heart of the village. Trucks upon trucks followed the small car she was in.  She saw the familiar dreary faces come from their homes.  She got out of the car, and climbed into the top of one of the trucks looking around at all the people as she felt the hot sting of tears in her eyes. She would make a difference today.

“In a day of need, we are answered, after years of despair, death and famine, we are brought together. Today we will establish something new, better, and create a fresh start for everyone.  Here and now we can overcome our past hardships if we stand together as one.” She paused looking at the faces of her fellow people, when a great cheer and applaud started. She smiled, tears falling down her face. She whispered to herself. “Together we will over come.”

Fear

Have you ever truly feared something? Not just the monster in your closet or clowns but some thing that would destroy you. For many of us its our families. We all have our differences, within and outside of the family, but overall we love each other. Me and my sister have always had our differences and had our fights, but if she were to disappear it would hurt. I love my parents though i don’t exactly know my dad that much, my step dads always been there for me and my mom. Worst of all though would be to lose my mom, she was the one who brought me here. My life would be turned upside down, as with many if you lost your mom how would you feel? In my life i have lost friends and family and it hurts, but we all seem to get through it all. That’s the greatest fear of all. Love though, love will get us through many things and the loss of someone is no exception.

Knight in Shining Armor

School isnt easy, was never meant to be all that easy. Some classes were better at and some not so well, and others are gonna show us up all the time. Life circles around us and school was all a part of the plan. Through the ups and down of life we seem to get through it all no matter what. Love, even that throws us for a loop we hear i love you, but somthing always warns us be carefull you never know whats around the corner and then boom it hits you, then everything comes crashing down, and you only wish you could have that knight in shining armor there to save you. Over all in your heart you know hes not coming, but it will get better. Some one will come  around pick you off your feet(theoreticaly) and love you like you have deserved. But its going to take a long time to get there, tis why patience is a value. You cant always expect that what a guy says is the truth, hell a lot of the time they just want to “get in your pants” but ya know we go through the breakups and the make ups and we all end up just fine.  Just wait through all of it, and in the end you will find your speciasl knight, he just might not show right away.

School….

Ok school is starting all around and .. were happy and excited, though the fist thing that comes into anyone starting school on their first day is “what am i going to wear” …. so many choices … and ya know you make the wrong choice once ur doomed from the start so you think about and you have no clue. you call and ask people what they are doing and get ides then ding! ya got it. You throw on what fits you ! and you love it!! be yourself this year ins school ;) its better then bein the majority.

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